For the last several years, I have been talking about retiring although I am not at that age yet. I thought about opening a coffee shop/art gallery somewhere and go someplace to learn how to make a nice cup of Cappuccino. What's wrong with me? Is it because of the feeling of bearing too much heavy responsibilities? Am I not doing what God has gifted me to do? No, I don't have an identity problem or role confusion; I am called to serve the Lord in caring for the missionary community. I love training and counseling missionaries and enjoy writing about it also... But why the thought of leaving it all? Am I having a midlife crisis?

The fact is, I know I have reached a point in my life where my days lived are greater than my days left to live. This is a critical transitional period most people my age have to overcome, just like searching for identity during adolescence. Maybe this is triggered by the recent deaths of my peers as well as the appearing wrinkles and aging spots on my face. I cannot stay up all night to work anymore. I can accept my mortality. I know my days on earth are numbered. How should I make the best of what God has endowed me so I may hear "well done, my good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25:21) when I see Jesus face to face? Am I living a life with no regrets no matter if I have 10 years, 10 months, or 10 days to live?

In "The Bucket List" movie, two old guys, who have been given 6-12 months to live due to cancer, made a list of things to do before they die (kick the bucket). I know lots of people have made up their own bucket list and post it on the Internet for the world to see. Let me share with you some of them: Read the whole Bible; Get as many people as I can to know Jesus; Skydive; Get married and have kids; Be a missionary; Travel the world; Write a book... Etc. I assume doing these things will make one feel a sense of accomplishment and enjoyment. I don't have a bucket list but there are things I'd like to do before I die, like setting up a missions village, seeing the seven wonders of the world, and riding in a real hot-air balloon. If I don't do these things before I see Jesus, will I regret it?

As a woman going through midlife, what am I searching for behind these questions I ask myself?... Yes, I do want to finish well... by God's standard! I want to be a good and faithful servant in HIS eyes! What if all of a sudden due to my own physical or mental limitations or the needs of my parents or for whatever reasons I can no longer be a missionary... what do I do then? Will I be really fulfilling God's destiny for me by operating a coffee shop/art gallery somewhere in the world? Eric Liddell's famous line in the movie "Chariots of Fire" came to mind, "God made me fast. And when I run, I feel His pleasure." He did run, not only in the Paris Olympics, but all the way to China as a missionary.

The bottom line for all of us in midlife to ponder is: Do I know whom God made me to be, and do I feel His pleasure in what I do? Are you in that transitional period when you think you might be heading for a midlife crisis? Do you want to live a life with no regrets no matter what you do and where you are?

For those of you who love tests, try this one by Ross Goldstein, author of Forty-something: Claiming the Power and Passion of Your Midlife Years.

Simply answer the following statements yes or no.
1. My future looks as positive now as it always has.
2. My life is as rewarding to me as I expected it to be.
3. Security is becoming more important to me.
4. Sometimes I feel excitement is missing in my life.
5. I am more flexible in my values today than I was ten years ago.
6. I get angry about the struggle to find "satisfaction" in life.
7. It feels like time is running out on me.
8. I wish there was an effective way of making all the tension and stress go away.
9. I am more sure of who I am today than ever before.
10. Balancing my work and family is becoming more difficult.
11. Sometimes I feel exhausted from the struggle of "making it."
12. I have a hard time accepting that I am as old as I am.
13. I miss the excitement and adventure of my earlier years.
14. My work is as satisfying as it has always been.
15. I am more aware of my health as I grow older.

Give yourself two points for each "yes" to questions 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, & 15 and two points for each "no" answer to questions 1, 2, 5, 9, and 14. Total your score.
0 to 8. -Your life is running smoothly.
0 to 16. -Occasionally, you yearn for a day at the beach, but in general, you feel secure and comfortable with your life.
18 or more. -Who is that worn-out woman in the mirror? Your dilemma: how to make significant changes in your life without sacrificing the best of what you have. Counseling may help.

No matter what your score is, midlife doesn't have to be a crisis! It can be a great opportunity for introspection and growth. This is a period of questioning, a checkpoint for realignment so we can be more sure and clear in reaching the finish line. Do remember though, we are not as young as we used to be and we need to take good care of ourselves so we can continue to run this race with grace! You never know, maybe someday in the near future my classroom or counseling room might be a coffee shop/art gallery! Shall we commit the best time yet to come to the Lord with this prayer?

Dear Lord,

I am on a journey to find and live out what You placed me on this earth to do. I need Your clear direction. I need to see Your hand at work and sense Your pleasure in what I do. Even more importantly, I want You to transform my heart, even as I partner with You in what You are accomplishing in this universe.

Please soften my heart and bring clarity to my thinking so that You can create in me a new identity, a new measurement of my performance, so I become strong through interdependence, enjoy greater intimacy, and live as a servant.

Amen.
(Halftimer's Prayer, Unlimited Partnership by Lloyd Reeb 2006)